A recent coaching client was struggling with her relationships at work. An unexpected redundancy process had damaged her trust in senior leaders, her workload had tripled, and she was inundated with requests and follow-ups from colleagues who all needed something from her.

She came to me because she she wanted help standing up to those demanding colleagues.

We quickly realised she was stuck in a “drama triangle”.

In the drama triangle* there are three roles we can play: victim, persecutor, or rescuer. By adopting one position, we force others to take the corresponding roles and the drama escalates, with no hope of fixing the actual problem. In my client’s case, she was stuck seeing her demanding colleagues as persecutors, out to get her. Viewing them this way made her feel like a victim whose attempts to resolve things were futile.

In that scenario, the solutions become very limited - we think we need a hero!

But once my client realised what was happening, she was brilliantly able to dismantle the narrative and realise her colleagues were all, like her, trying to get a lot done with limited resources. She reconnected with her empathy for these people, and re-approached the problem with a collaborative mindset. Just a few weeks later, she told me how much better she felt now that she could spot the roles of the drama triangle popping up, and avoid the trap.

The drama triangle happens to all of us.

Working in People, I’m often the person others come to expecting me to be the rescuer in a situation, and I’ve absolutely fallen into the trap of playing the “hero”, which didn't help at all. I’ve also cast others as persecutors and made myself a victim, giving up my own power in the process. Managers I work with are often puzzled at the defensive reaction they’re getting from team members, who (it turns out) are treating them as a persecutor in their story.

The trick to breaking the drama triangle is to take away the power of the three roles, specifically through collaboration and empathy. If you feel like you’re being persecuted, ask yourself “what would be different if I believed we were all in this together?”. If you feel you’re being pushed into a hero role, consider “what could I do to help this person help themselves?”.

If you’re feeling stuck in a cycle that isn’t serving you, coaching can really help. Thanks to my own coach for giving me the language to talk about this myself.

And to anyone facing a little drama this Christmas, try and remember to be kind to yourself - and others. We're all going through something, after all.

*proposed by Stephen B. Karpman.